Holiday Support Strategies
By Sara Gilman
Holiday memories may not always be joyous…
Thanksgiving had just passed and the holidays were fast approaching. Getting out all the boxes of decorations, the house looked like I was getting ready to move; chaos before beauty. In the midst of the unpacking, I received a phone call that my mother had been taken to the hospital. She had been ill, however we did not realize how serious it was. I had no idea when I left the house that day that when I returned I would have held my mother in her final breaths and said goodbye, as did my 2 sons, father, 4 brothers, 4 sister-in-laws, 9 nieces and nephews and many friends. Mom died on December 22.
As a family we decided to celebrate her life on her birthday, December 26th. We left the hospital to return to have Christmas with our families and to prepare for her memorial. As I walked into my house, I saw boxes everywhere, garland lying on the floor, lights and bows alongside. My first thought from my broken heart was, “What is the point. Why bother.” I shoved the boxes aside so I could simply walk around them. I know now I was in shock; shaky, numb, and devastated, all at the same time. I embarked on my to do list for my mother’s memorial and nothing else mattered. I cried myself to sleep each night and cried often through out the day in exhaustion and profound grief. All I could do was stay focused on my dad and field calls from my brothers. Yet what I really wanted to do was curl up and continue to cry.
As you can imagine, the holidays have never been the same for my family or me. The first year I did my best to skip the whole thing. My sons and friends were very understanding. The next year, I seemed to do as little as possible. I just didn’t have the same energy I once did for all the holiday decorating, cooking, and fun. By the third year my sons and a couple of friends guided me through by helping me put up ALL the decorations and continued to encourage any signs of my ‘old’ holiday self.
The holidays are often a mixture of nostalgic feelings; joy and grief for many. I’m writing this brief article in the hope of sharing some helpful hints that may make a difference in your season. Whether you are missing someone that use to sit beside you and celebrate or you are soul sitting someone who is ill, this time of year can still be one of loving connections and warm memories.
What can you do if the holidays bring you sorrow?
- Keep it simple – Whatever your situation is remember it is the simple things that matter most. Take care of your basic needs first (healthy eating, regular sleep, water, exercise). If you are worn out from grief or sadness let some of the traditional “to do’s” go. Only do what you have the energy for or what brings you meaning. Give yourself permission!
- Let it flow – Tears are our natural way to cleanse and heal. If they well up inside of you, let them flow. Gather up hugs from others or simply curl up with a pillow and let the body, mind and spirit release some of the pain and sadness that has filled you up. Breathe and release over and over until it seems as if you have deflated the heavy bubble of sadness for the time being.
- Tell others what you are experiencing – Tell those close to you the truth. You just might not be ‘into it’ this year. You may only want to do certain things or even bow out of some commitments. Ask for support and understanding.
- Do something different – Grief has a way of making the old familiar world feel very different and unfamiliar. It is OK to change it up. Do something different than years past like a family walk on the beach or going out to eat when you may have cooked at home. In normal circumstances the traditions and rituals of the holidays bring us comfort and joy. When you are grieving a loss or soul sitting a loved one those same traditions can bring greater pain and sadness.
- Write your loved one a letter – The holidays are a time for reflection and planning for the New Year. In your reflections you may wish you could have told your loved one something that is now more clear to you. So write them a letter sharing your heartfelt thoughts.
- Remembering – It can feel warm and comforting to tell family stories of holidays in the past and in particular memories about the one who has passed. My Dad always played that Hawaiian Christmas Album while decorating. He sang along with it and I still hear it in my head each year. Remembering this makes me smile even through the pain. Thanks Dad! Start a new tradition that honors your loved one - This can be a private personal tradition or one the family comes up with together. Each year I go to the beach, on the anniversary of my Mother’s passing. I sit bundled up, look out at the horizon, and write my mom a letter about the year and anything else I want to tell her. On her birthday, I treat myself to some type of self-care gift like a massage or a hike in a new place in honor of her. She would love that I do that! This year I’ve decided to return to the cabin in the mountains where she and I spent some get-away weekends.
I hope you will honor yourself and your loved one this holiay season.
From My Heart to Yours,
